


Neville Longbottom Gets His Leg Over

by iamisaac



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Community: firewhiskeyfic, Crack, Drunkenness, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Humour, M/M, Sexual Content, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-20 01:35:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7385656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamisaac/pseuds/iamisaac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neville accidentally discovers Teddy and James in a compromising position, and considers the possibilities of finding his own compromising position. With authorly ramblings about the nature of fanfic and language use. Also, bacon. Bacon plays quite a large part in this fic for no apparent reason.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Neville Longbottom Gets His Leg Over

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Firewhiskeyfic drunken ficcing, and I was really quite drunk. Does it show, possibly? Please do not take these drunken maunderings seriously.

Neville Longbottom was feeling hot and sticky and definitely not in the mood for dealing with anything in the way of recalcitrant students. It was nine o’clock on a Friday evening and what’s more it was summer solstice, and Neville had the ‘end of work’ feeling down to the n’th degree. If he’d thought it would be open, it would have been the perfect time to Apparate himself down to Diagon Alley and spend several hours among the Herbology books at Flourish and Blotts; but unfortunately, the wise owners of the shop apparently thought that their staff ought to be able to get out and enjoy themselves on a Friday night as much as the next witch or wizard, and therefore closed their doors at a frustratingly early 7pm. Neville could always go in the morning, of course, taking advantage of the fact that this was not one of his weekends to be on duty at Hogwarts, but it wasn’t the same. Tomorrow, he would want to stay in bed, or go and do something very different. It was tonight he needed the peace and quiet of a long evening browsing a bookshop.

Bookshopsmookshop, something like that. The other alternative was to get very very drunk and forget how to say the word recalicrtant, let alone spell it. That was seeming like a better and better idea by the moment, especially when he discovered that although he hadn’t got any idea of dealing with said sorts of possible-unspeakable-descriptions of students, they still had plenty of idea of dealing with him. 

Or, to put it another way, two of them were fucking behind one of his greenhouses, in spectacularly unsubtle fashion. Like, _WOOHOO, this is us having sex here really loudly, where anyone might catch us_.

(Do I go and have a bacon sandwich or do I just plough on? This could’ve been Neville’s thought, but it could also have been the author’s… Neither of us are quite sure which is it. Or which it is. Bacon, mm.)

Anyway. Loud sex. Behind a greenhouse. Not good. Well, apparently quite coog-good, according to the person who was screaming “yes, Teddy, more, oh gods, more, please more”.

Oh shit,. Which made another problem because it meant that one of the ‘students’ fucking behind the greenhouse was almost certainly no student at all but Teddy Lupin, who was the youngest Hogwarts professor in 100 years and apparently there was a reason why young Hogwarts professors were seen as a bad plan as a general rule as this one was fucking one of his students behind Neville’s greenhouse, which was a really utterly bad plan, by the way. And given that the other voice sounded definitely male, that meant there was loud gay sex going on in the way that only usually happened in fanfic, as far as Neville could make out. Except that he wasn’t the one making out, that was happening between the two men… boys… whatevers… behind his greenhouse. And now he came to think about it, Neville couldn’t help thinking that this was a seriously bad idea and he should be making out with someone. Probably Luna Lovegood as she was blonde and cute and mad enough that if he turned up on her doorstep on a Friday evening (was it Friday? I think it was Friday) and said that he thought that they should be having mad passionate animal sex, she would go “okay, that sounds like an excellent idea, Neville, as long as you don’t have any nargles hanging about you”.

Until said happenesd – and Neville, now he thought about it, really realised that he wasn’t going to be able to have fanfic sex with Luna because she was a girl and therefore the mad loud gay sex thing was going to be a bit problematic unless one of them suddenly changed sexes. Which was possible with Lune, given what she was like, but probably – hopefully – not a thing as Neville actually quite liked being male and definitely liked Luna being female and thought that this would be a good thing to encourage to continue.

“Do me harder, Teddy, please, like that, yes, yeah, like that,” came the same voice.

“James… Jamie, fuck you’re tight,” said Teddy Lupin’s voice in return and Neville knew immediately that it must be James Sirius Potter, Harry’s son because obviously there weren’t very many Jameses in a big school like Hogwarts, so it was quite clearly going to be that because that would be A Scandal, what with Harry being Teddy’s godson and all that. Apart form the whole teacher student thing which was Bad Bad Bad, obviously.

Also, James Spotter was hot as fuck, and Neville would totally have done him if he wasn’t a boy and one of his students and all that sort of thing. Rumour had it that half the school had, but that was just a rumour because in fact as every fanfic writer knew, James was utterly in love with Teddy. Which might have given the whole ‘who it was that Teddy was fucking behind the greenhouses’ thing away earlier, except what would be the point of it if everyone knew at the very beginning. (Oh bugger, pairings warnings, that’s what.)

And it was hot and sticky in the weather thing, and it was the summer solstice, which meant that maybe Luna would be out doing weird witchy things in a way that normal witches wouldn’t do, but witchy-witches might. Though quite often they involved ritual sex, or so rumour had it and frankly if rumour was going to suggest what Neville wanted to hear than he was well on board with all that. So perhaps he ought to leave Teddy and James and Lupin to it and let the three of them get on with having behind-greenhouse inappropriate student-teachers sexing and go and find Luna like right now. And they could do sex magic and have his penis do interesting things with that bit of her that no one ever know what to call in porn because pussy sounds stupid and cunt is offensive and there isn’t anything vaguely in the middle of those two things along the same lines of cock or prick or dick and what the hell is a writer supposed to do about that, eh?

Cunningly enough, Neville had a Firebolt broomstick onto which he woulcould (that’s when it’s a mixture of something you would do and something you could do) launch himself, and he decided that it was definitely a good idea to leave James “oh gods, Teddy, your cock is so big” Potter and Teddy “fuck, fuck, Jamie, I’m definitely telling your dad when you’ve left school that I’ve been fucking your arse for years, I promise” Lupin to their mad crazy not-entirely werewolf but not entirely not werewolf sex behind the greenhouse and go and fly to Luna.

And not have a bacon sandwich. Unless Luna wanted to make him one later, but she might very possibly be vegan, which would make that quite a lot more unlikely. But Neville decided that the chance of getting his leg over (not his leg over a broomstick, but his leg over a woman or hopefully a woman providing that Luna hadn’t decided to change sex so that they would go over better in fanfic) was actually more important even than a bacon sandwich, whether or not Luna was obscuring pork (that’s not the word, but I spelt it right, eschewing it).

When Neville ended up on Luna’s doorstep he was very pleased with himself, especially because he hadn’t actually known where she lived but apparently the broomstick had or something had wanted it to happen so he said 

“Hello, Luna, what about sex?” 

Shes aid, “yes, Neville, that wouns ds like ta breakky eaxcellent plan” because she was drunker even than the person writing about her. Or possibly just being particularly Luna-ish and mad and it all made sense f you read it upside down. But Neville was fairly good at getting the meaning, or at anyway rate knowing what would get him sex.

“I don’t call it cunt or pussy, I call it ‘meemo’” she said helpfully, but that actually didn’t help the writer much who couldn’t bring themselves to call it that. And ‘twat’ was British for ‘twit’ so that wasn’t really going to work either, but nonetheless Neville managed to stick his dick in it which was extremely satisfying.

He waited till he was inside the house by the way before being inside Luna because otherwise that’s just rude, and he was wanting to be rude but not rude-rude in an impolite way so obviously his mothergrandmother Augusta Longbottom had taught him manners so he went in with Luna and took looks of notice as she told him seriously about the problem with Teddy being that he and James had tumbleweeds which were in love and therefore they had to keep fucking in order to keep the tumbleweeds at bay (or possibly it was something to do with werewolfs, but to be honest Neville wasn’t really listening because he was trying to work out how long it was before it was polite to take her to bed and fuck her silly and the answer was he could have done it lots earlier than he had but he was too busy being polite and she was trying to give him a bit of a hint but the bloody man wasn’t listening, which pretty much summed up Neville Longbottom according to Snape, which wasn’t something which Luna agreed with usually but apparently on this occasion she did).

Anyway, after that they got the fucking to the fucking and it was very good indeed and Luna was at least as screamy as James Potter and nearly as hot but not quite, except she was female which was a mark in her favour and also not the son of the saviour and therefore likely to get Neville into lots of trouble for having sex with him. Her. Whatever. She was female and not Harry’s son or godson and not at school and sex with her was bloody good, even though meemo isn’t a word. If it had been, he would have pushed his cock into it and waggled it back and forth and done various dirty things with it. And her. 

And this is the story about how Neville Longbottom had mad passionate sex with Luna Lovegood on the Summer solstice when they were both hot and sticky and he’d got there on a Firebolt after not being able to go to Flourish and Blotts and what was the other prompt thing because I’m sure I got that in too?


End file.
